of losing and letting go

...which applies so well to my situation at the moment.

for the past few weeks, I've been receiving grieving news about the loss of a mother, of a brother, and of a close family member of my friends. Among the first few words that came up from my mouth upon knowing it was 'Innalillah". Knowing about the loss of someone close to us is always weird. almost.. indescribable. More so when we expected it the least, when it happened out of a sudden. I truly feel sorry whenever I'm informed of one, and it trembles me thinking of how I would feel if I am in that position- to be told that someone so close to my heart but so far across the miles has left me. I don't know if I'd be able to gather that much strength knowing that I'm never going to see that face again, even so for the very last time before the land of the grave fills him/her in. It feels powerless.

As I lost my grandparents way back when I was still a small kid, I don't have that much of memories about them. Among the few recollection I have about Atuk and Opah are the scenes of the day they passed away. I know well that during those times, I didn't have much empathy of the whole situation. I remember asking my mum and my cousins why everyone looked somber while watching our grandpa sleep. I was too young to understand it I guess. It's sad to admit, really, that these are the only things that pop into my mind every time questions about my grandparents are asked. However, as I reflect to the whole family loss news recently, I can't help but thinking; would I not want to be witnessing the whole situation when it comes?. It's painful to keep coming back to the memories of their last breath, their last kalimah, their funerals..

Yet again, would I rather not see it all so that I don't have to bear the ache of reminiscing those moments? My father was in the latter position when grandpa passed away. Like me, dad was miles away completing his studies when it happened. It has never crossed my mind to ask dad how he was coping with it when he heard of the news only through the phone. Ayah was, and still is a very strong man after all.

I know that it is not in my hands to choose which way I want it to be when it comes the time for me to let my loved ones go. It will never be, it will come sooner or later in life, whichever way as Allah pleases it to be. It makes our lives mysterious, so that we will always be cautious of how we lead our lives while He lends it.

Dear Lord, bestow on my loved ones Your mercy. Grant them a healthy life, now, and the hereafter. Amin.